


Selfish

by vringwanderung



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, No Spoilers, haruki protection squad wya, kaji is messed up but we love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24564166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vringwanderung/pseuds/vringwanderung
Summary: “Shouldn't love you but i couldn’t help itAlways knew that you were too damn selfish.”In which Haruki is tired of chasing Akihiko for god knows how long.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Comments: 33
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y’all! This is my first fanfic for an anime, woohoo! I binge watched Given and finished the manga all in one day when I was supposed to be studying for my AP exams...oops haha. Anyways, I’ve also been obsessed with Madison Beer’s song “Selfish” and thought that the lyrics perfectly described Akihiko and Haruki’s relationship. I get chest pain whenever I think about these two :')
> 
> Don’t worry, i’m not spoiling anything from the manga! This is just me being angsty :P Hope you enjoy! If you have any constructive criticism, please leave it in the comments :)

"Boy you're such a lost cause

Now your name is crossed off

How you gonna fix this?

You can't even fix yourself"

* * *

This was the 5th time that Kaji Akihiko was crashing at Nakayama Haruki's place in a month. Of course, Haruki let him - why wouldn't he when his good friend and unrequited love interest knocked on his door in the middle of the night with bruises covering his face and body? You would think that Haruki would have gotten used to seeing Akihiko all beaten up, but his heart still clenched when he saw the blueish-purplish spots and the blood surrounding them.

Akihiko looked and sounded exhausted. The instant that he stepped through the door, he flopped onto the couch. Haruki sighed, taking Akihiko’s bag from him and setting it on the dining room table. “You’re hopeless,” he muttered under his breath, a feeling of endearment spreading through him as he observed the man in front of him fall asleep. Haruki checked the time: 1:38 a.m. He had been trying to catch up on some assignments for his classes. “I should get some rest, too.”

  
He couldn’t help but continue to stare at Akihiko for a few more seconds before pulling out his phone and snapping a pic. He stared at the photo, smiling in satisfaction. “I’ll post this in the morning,” he murmured.

He was so distracted by the photo that he didn’t hear Akihiko get up from the couch and clumsily make his way over to Haruki. Half-asleep, Akihiko wrapped his arms around Haruki’s waist and rested his chin on Haruki’s right shoulder. Haruki’s face turned bright red, and he tried to squirm out of the taller man's embrace. “A-Akihiko,” he stammered, trying to take a step forward, “w-what are you…?”   
  


“Warm,” Akihiko muttered, pulling Haruki backward. “Couch is too cold.”

“Then I'll get you a blanket! Geez, use your words, you idiot!” Somehow, Haruki was able to struggle out of Akihiko’s grasp. _Curse your strong build,_ he thought. “Go back to the couch,” he ordered, pointing his finger at the zombie in front of him. Akihiko groaned but complied and landed on the couch with a loud thud.

Haruki went to his closet and pulled out a thick blanket. He walked back to the living room, where Akihiko knocked out again. “God, this guy is impossible,” Haruki huffed. He unfolded the blanket and gently laid it on top of Akihiko, tucking in the sides so that he wouldn’t get cold. Haruki stood looking at Akihiko for a few seconds again before realizing that he really should get to bed: he had a long shift tomorrow at the cafe.

Haruki shut off all of the lights in the apartment before making his way to his bedroom. He took off his hair tie, set it on his bed stand, and climbed into bed, too tired to change into his usual sleepwear of a t-shirt and shorts). With a sigh and one last thought of Akihiko on the couch, he drifted off to dreamland…

***

...is what Haruki had in mind, but instead, he landed in nightmareland. He couldn’t remember most of his nightmare, but what he did remember was his band, Given, getting into an enormous fight over something ridiculous, like someone forgetting to turn off the volume on the amp. One of Haruki’s biggest fears was an enormous conflict arising in the band like the one he dreamt of, so when he woke up the next morning, his heart was racing at 100 bpm. When he realized that he was back in the real world, he sighed in relief and stared at his ceiling to calm himself down.

There was sizzling coming from the kitchen, and the scent of fried rice wafted into Haruki’s bedroom. Haruki frowned and sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning. “Is...Akihiko cooking breakfast?” Haruki didn’t know why he was surprised that Akihiko knew how to cook.

Haruki got out of bed and checked himself in the mirror. His clothes weren’t too badly wrinkled, and his hair wasn’t in a messy tangle like usual. “Not bad,” he murmured. He grabbed his hair tie and tied his hair back into a loose low ponytail, leaving a couple of strands out to frame his face. He slapped his face gently to wake himself up more before stepping out of his room to see Akihiko half naked (from the waist up...get your mind out of the gutter >:)).

“GAH-” Haruki froze, then sighed and covered his face with both hands. “Why did you take off your shirt?” he mumbled. “It’s not even that hot.”

Akihiko shrugged and smirked. “Why not?” 

Haruki shook his head. _This guy has no sense_ , he thought. He tried to not stare at Akihiko’s abs as he made his way over to him and glanced at the fried rice inside the frying pan. “You didn’t tell me that you were going to make breakfast. I could’ve helped.”

Akihiko shrugged again. “It’s nothing,” he replied nonchalantly. “I woke up about half an hour ago and scrolled through my phone before I felt hungry. You have work in a few hours, don’t you?”

Haruki raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Yeah, how did you know?” He never really spoke about his job, much less his shifts.

Akihiko cocked his head to one side. “I remember you mentioning it to me and the high schoolers (Ritsuka and Mafuyu) yesterday at practice. Unless I’m wrong?” 

Haruki's mouth formed an “O”, and he felt his face turn red. He didn’t remember mentioning it to the guys, and if HE didn’t remember, he doubted that Ritsuka or Mafuyu would, so he felt touched that Akihiko did. Before he could linger on the thought, he slapped his face with both hands, which earned him a curious look from Akihiko. 

“I’ll get us bowls.” Haruki opened one of his cabinets and pulled out two ceramic bowls. “Should I help with anything else?”

Akihiko shook his head. Just as Haruki was about to walk away, Akihiko took a couple of steps toward him and held the untied strands of Haruki’s hair on one side of Haruki’s face between his thumb and forefinger. “Your hair is getting longer,” he remarked.

“Wha-” Haruki hated how warm his face felt and hated even more at how red it probably was, judging by Akihiko’s sly smile. Haruki shook his head and put the bowls down next to the stove. “I’ll grab chopsticks, too. Just-Just let me know when you’re ready.”

“‘Mm.” Akihiko turned back to the pan. The smell of fried rice filled the entire apartment. With a bit more stirring and seasoning, Akihiko turned the stove off and shoveled the fried rice into each of the bowls, intentionally piling one of the bowls with more rice than the other. “Haruki, can I leave the frying pan on the stove?”

“Hm?” Haruki looked up from his phone. “Yeah, I’ll do the dishes when I get back.”

Akihiko grabbed the bowls and walked over to the table. Haruki, being distracted on his phone, didn't notice Akihiko placing the bowl with the bigger pile of fried rice in front of him. Akihiko pulled out his phone and saw notifications from Twitter. He opened them and saw that they were comments on the band’s new post, which was...a photo of him knocked out on the couch. 

Akihiko looked across at Haruki with a raised eyebrow. “Really?”

Haruki smirked. He grabbed his chopsticks and shoveled some rice into his mouth. “Good publicity, don’t you think?”

“Hm…” Akihiko stared at Haruki for a few seconds before shoveling some rice into his mouth as well. “I’ll post a pic of you as payback.”

“Hah, there’s nothing to post about,” Haruki bragged, chewing on his rice. 

“I’ll think of something,” Akihiko responded. There was thoughtful expression on his face.

“What, are you doing to post a picture of me shirtless or something?” Haruki challenged. The idea of him being shirtless was as ridiculous to him as Rituska being honest about his feelings. He took another bite of his rice and turned back to his phone.

“Hm...not a bad idea. I'll undress you, then.”

Haruki choked. Akihiko stood up to get him a glass of water. When he returned, Haruki’s face was buried in his hands. 

“I should just shut up,” Haruki mumbled miserably. “I can never win.”

Akihiko grinned widely and placed the water in front of him. “Eat up,” he replied. “Long shift ahead.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you for all the love! I didn't expect that this fic would get as much attention as it did, but that just gives me more motivation to post!
> 
> A warning: this chapter is fluff central. No angst yet...but just you wait ;)

“It was almost two years

That I chose to spend here

All alone on new years

Thinking, ‘what the hell’”

* * *

_Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

“Haruki…”

_Stupid, stupid Akihiko…_

“HEY! NAKAYAMA!”

“Ah-!” Haruki narrowly avoided spilling a bag of coffee beans onto the floor. He turned around to see Koji Yatake sitting at the counter with an irritated scowl. “Are you deaf? I’ve called your name at least 10 times now.”

Haruki rolled his eyes. “Don’t exaggerate, Take-chan. Anyways, creamer, no sugar for your espresso?”

“You got it.” Yatake’s scowl was replaced by an easy grin. “I’ll make sure to tip you handsomely.”

Haruki scoffed. “Oh, please. Like you’ve ever tipped me.” He turned his back to Yatake and grabbed a shot glass from one of the shelves above him and placed it next to the espresso machine.

Take-chan gasped and clutched his heart with both hands. “How dare you say such a thing! I’m hurt!”

“Good. Maybe then you’ll understand the pain I feel when I’m around you.”

Yatake laughed and leaned forward, resting his forearms on the counter and folding his hands together. “So, how’s the band? Making any new hits?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah.” Haruki paused to pour the espresso beans into a grinder. “Ritsuka started writing with Mafuyu, which thankfully speeds up the songwriting process. Mafuyu is making a lot of progress with his playing, which is also great.”

“Sounds like your band has it figured out, huh?”

Haruki scoffed. “Not in the least bit. But we’re improving.” After the beans were ground into fine pieces, he took the grounds out of the grinder and poured them into the portafilter, tampering them well. He turned the machine’s brew head on for a few seconds, letting the previous grounds be rinsed away before inserting the portafilter into the brew head and turning the machine on. “How about you, Take-chan?”

“Ah, well…” Yatake breathed in sharply. “Could be worse?” Just as Yatake was about to continue, the bell on the cafe’s door rang. Haruki turned to see-

“Akihiko?!” Haruki failed to hide the shock on his face. “W-W-Wha…”

“Hey,” Akihiko greeted him.

Haruki finally found his words. “What are you doing here? Don't you have classes today?”

“My professor emailed us saying that he had a family emergency. Class is canceled for today and the rest of next week.”

“Lucky bastard,” Haruki hissed. “But that doesn’t answer my question.”

Akihiko shrugged. “I just felt like seeing you.” 

Haruki stared at Akihiko for a few seconds before slapping himself, leaving red imprints on his cheeks. 

Akihiko tilted his head in confusion. Slowly, his expression shifted from bemused to amused. He crossed his arms and smirked. “Do I really make you that flustered?”

_STUPID, STUPID AKIHIKO._ The bassist didn’t know if he felt embarrassed, frustrated, or an unpleasant mixture of both.

Take-chan looked from one man to the other. Yatake caught the faint blush on Haruki’s, and his expression grew dark. He knew that his friend was enamored by the drummer, and he hated how clueless Akihiko was (or appeared to be) about it. He coughed loudly, causing the bandmates to turn in his direction.

“Oh, sorry Take-chan!” Haruki apologized. “This intruder,” he glared at Akihiko, “interrupted me.” Haruki turned back to the espresso machine, and luckily, the espresso didn’t overflow in the glass. Haruki turned off the machine and grabbed a pitcher of creamer.

Akihiko scoffed and leaned against the edge of the counter. “Don’t pretend like you aren’t glad to see me.”

“We saw each other this morning! Tch,” Haruki narrowed his eyes at Akihiko. “Don’t think so highly of yourself.” After adding the creamer, he placed the espresso in front of Yatake. “Here, Take-chan.”

“Thanks,” Yatake replied. He took a sip, a satisfied smile spreading on his face. “There’s a reason that I always come here for my daily dose.”

“Weren’t you at Starbucks yesterday?”

“Stop attacking me!”

Haruki chuckled and checked the time. 12:38 p.m. “You have band practice in a few, right?”

Yatake followed Haruki’s gaze and cursed under his breath. “Shit, you’re right.” He downed the rest of his espresso, got up, and grabbed the guitar that was resting below the counter by the seat next to him. “I’ll see you later, Haruki,” he nodded, not even so much as glancing in Akihiko’s direction as he exited. Akihiko watched with slight interest and turned to Haruki once he saw Yatake turn the corner.

“Your friend doesn't like me,” Akihiko commented.

“What? Take-chan?” Haruki grabbed the empty glass and placed it on a tray with other dirty glasses. “Why would he?”

“Just a feeling,” Akihiko shrugged. “So, when’s your shift over?”

“In about an hour. Wait, don’t tell me-” Haruki raised an eyebrow at Akihiko. “-you’re going to wait till I’m off?”

“I mean, I have nothing else to do.”

“But that doesn’t mean - ugh,” Haruki pinched the skin between his eyes, feeling like he was aging everytime Akihiko spoke. “Fine. Don’t bother me, though.”

Akihiko smirked and looked Haruki up and down. “Since when have I ever?”

 _  
__STUPID FUCKING AKIHIKO._

Needless to say, it was Haruki who kept bothering himself. He couldn’t stop glancing in Akihiko’s direction every five minutes, and he would see the same thing everytime: Akihiko on his phone. Why was it that Akihiko simply existing made Haruki burn up like a desert in the face of the sun?

At least the cafe wasn’t overcrowded today. Serving beverages back to back wasn't fun, and due to his contact lenses, his eyes were always dried out which occasionally caused him to mess up orders (and earn him scoldings from his boss). 

An hour passed, and one of Haruki’s co-workers came to take over for him. Haruki greeted them and went to the cafe’s backroom where he took off his apron, folded it, and stored it in a cabinet. He grabbed his bag hanging from one of the racks on the walls and then walked out, finding Akihiko leaning against the wall next to the door, lazily watching cars drive by. Haruki rolled his eyes and walked past him. “Let’s go.”

Akihiko broke his gaze from the road and followed Haruki out. Haruki was about to walk in the direction of his apartment when the drummer grabbed his arm. “Not that way. This way.”

“Huh?” Haruki was pulled in the opposite direction. “Wait, where are we going?” Haruki could only see the back of Akihiko’s head, but he had a feeling that the other man was smirking, which made him even more irritated than he already was.

About five minutes had passed, and Haruki was pestering Akihiko nonstop. “Where are we going?” he would ask every few seconds. “Can you let go of my arm?” However, Akihiko kept his pace and looked straight ahead.

“Hm...I think this is it,” Akihiko muttered to himself. He stopped in front of what seemed to be a local cake shop. He finally loosened his grip on Haruki’s arm and pulled open the door, stepping aside to let Haruki in first.

“I...ugh, you fool.” Haruki stepped inside, mumbling under his breath. Akihiko followed him, grinning when he noticed the pink blush on Haruki’s cheeks. 

“So, you wanted to buy cake?” Haruki’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Mhm.”

Haruki slapped the back of Akihiko’s head. “Why didn’t you just say so? Do you know how sketchy you were being, dragging me around without giving me an explanation?”

“...I guess.”

“Y-You guess?!” Haruki wanted nothing more than to slap the dopey expression off of Akihiko’s face - just how dense was this guy? However, a middle-aged woman walked out from the back room just before Haruki could, and upon noticing the two men, she came to the counter and gave them a polite smile. “Hello, may I help you?” she asked.

“Yes, actually.” Akihiko took a few steps towards the counter. “We’re here to buy cake.”

The woman beamed at him. She moved away from the counter to the glass case next to it. All of the rows were filled with slices of cake, ranging from classics such as chocolate to unique ones such as earl gray, which piqued Haruki’s interest. 

“Wow,” Haruki muttered under his breath, crouching next to Akihiko. Now that he was up close, he could see that each slice had its own distinct design. A red velvet cake had vines snaking around the edge connecting to a rose bud on the slice’s tip, while a strawberry cheesecake was topped with chopped up strawberries and drizzled lightly with syrup. Haruki had to stop himself from drooling.

The lady chuckled at Haruki’s dazed expression. “We like to make our cakes look as good as they taste. Do you boys have a favorite flavor?”

Haruki thought for a second, then answered, “Carrot. Akihiko?”

Akihiko murmured something that Haruki couldn’t hear. Haruki frowned. “Akihiko?”

Akihiko turned his head and said, “Vanilla.”

_Hmph_ , Haruki disappointedly thought. _Basic._

Akihiko muttered something to himself that Haruki couldn’t pick up. After a few more glances, the taller man stood up. “Ma’am, can we get the carrot and vanilla cake slices?”

The woman nodded enthusiastically. “Of course. I’ll package them right away.” She disappeared to the backroom, leaving the two men alone together.

Haruki stood up as well and looked over at Akihiko with a raised eyebrow. “You’d better be paying,” he half-joked.

“Of course.” Akihiko gave Haruki a sly look, his lips curling into a playful smile. “I interrupted you at work and dragged you all the way here. My way of saying sorry.” 

“...tch.” Haruki turned his head, his face getting hot.

The lady returned with a white cardboard box. She slid open the doors of the case, gently removed the slices of carrot and vanilla cake, and placed them in the box. She sealed the box using tape and pushed it across the counter to Akihiko. After Akihiko paid, the two men thanked the lady and walked out of the cake shop with Akihiko carrying the box.

“You’re so random,” Haruki muttered as they were waiting at one end of a crosswalk. “You walk in during my shift and you drag me to a cake shop. Couldn’t you have gone back to your place and done some homework or something?”

“I could’ve,” Akihiko agreed.

Haruki waited for him to continue. When Akihiko didn’t, he rolled his eyes and mumbled, “Idiot.”

The light turned green. Haruki and Akihiko started walking, their footsteps matching and creating a sort of rhythm. When they reached the other side, they walked a bit further before reaching a park. They sat at one of two benches, and Akihiko placed the box between them. Carefully pulling apart the tape, he lifted the top.

The sky was beautifully blue, with round, puffy clouds shifting in all directions. The park was surrounded by a ring of camellias, violets, and chrysanthemums, which added a light, sweet fragrance. The air wasn’t too hot nor too cold - the weather was perfect.

Inside the box were two plastic forks. Akihiko took them out and handed one to Haruki who murmured, "Thanks" and took it. _I guess I am a bit hungry_ , he thought to himself. _Some cake wouldn’t hurt right now._

Akihiko dug into his piece. “Mmm,” he remarked, sliding the fork out of his mouth. “This is really good.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah. Wanna try?”

“Sure.” Haruki used his fork to cut himself a small portion of Akihiko’s slice and placed it in his mouth. His eyes lit up the instant the cake hit his tongue. “Oh my god,” he murmured. “This is incredible.”

Haruki didn’t notice Akihiko taking a portion of Haruki’s carrot cake until Haruki went to try it. He narrowed his eyes at Akihiko. “Really?”

Akihiko shrugged. “I let you try mine.”

Haruki rolled his eyes and took a bite. His lips curled into a smile. “Just like my mom used to make it,” he said to himself.

“Hm?” Akihiko turned his head. “You said something?”

Haruki shook his head. His face was glowing. “Nah.”

Akihiko raised an eyebrow but didn’t press him. He noticed that there was some frosting on a corner of Haruki’s mouth. He leaned closer to Haruki, held his chin with one hand, and brushed the frosting off with his thumb.

Haruki, who had been lost in thought, jolted back when he felt Akihiko’s touch. “A-Akihiko!” he exclaimed, almost falling off of the bench. He huffed and punched Akihiko’s side. “Warn me if you’re going to do something like that!”

“My bad, my bad.” Akihiko grinned, clearly not sorry. He dropped his grin, turned his head to the sky, and remarked, “Summer is coming.”

Haruki grumbled before also turning his head to the sky. The sky’s blue hue was fading into a light purple, which meant that the sun was going to set soon. The air was beginning to cool, and the fragrance of the flowers was growing faint. Haruki leaned back and ran a hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and let himself be present.

“Yeah,” Haruki responded. “It is.”

“The semester is ending in a couple of weeks, too.” 

“Mhm.”

“That means more days like today.”

“Yeah- wait, what?” Haruki glanced at Akihiko with a puzzled expression. “What do you mean, more days like today?”

Akihiko broke his gaze and met Haruki’s eyes. It might have just been the sunlight playing tricks on Haruki, but he could see a twinkle in the drummer’s eyes, and that paired with Akihiko’s soft smile was fatal for Haruki’s heart.

“It’s exactly what it means, Haruki.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so hard to write, and y'all will understand why once you read it. 
> 
> I have to apologize beforehand for all the pain that may come from this chapter ;-; pls don't hate me!

“I don’t wanna break your thread

A needle trying to stitch you but I can’t

I refuse”

* * *

_“It’s exactly what it means, Haruki.”_

Haruki squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his covers over his head. The moment kept replaying in his head like a broken VHS tape.

He didn’t want to consider the possibility that his feelings for Akihiko were reciprocated. They were friends - always had been, always will be. It was hard, and at times it was unbearable, but Haruki always stopped himself from taking things any further. 

_But what if…_

“Ugh,” Haruki groaned and turned over on his side.

_What if he likes me, too…_

“AGH!” Haruki sat up and ran a hand down his face. It was no use; the thoughts only got stronger the more he tried to suppress them. 

“Tea,” Haruki mumbled. “I need tea.” He got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen, narrowly avoiding a collision with the refrigerato2r. He turned on one of the lights (which almost blinded him), turned to one of his cabinets, and took out a box of ginger tea. He took out a bag before putting the box back and grabbed a ceramic mug from another cabinet. Setting the tea bag and mug aside, he grabbed his kettle, filled it up with water from the sink, placed it on top of the stove, and turned the stove on. 

**KNOCK KNOCK.**

The knocks didn’t register to Haruki at first. He was half-awake, half-asleep. However, after a few more knocks, Haruki realized that someone was at his door. Haruki narrowed his eyes before walking over.

_It’s him again. God, I’m going to-_

“Hey,” Akihiko greeted Haruki, who was glaring at the once again beat up visitor in front of him.

“Go back,” Haruki replied.

“I know I’m an asshole for crashing at this time, but-”

“Just come in you fucking loser.” Haruki turned his back to Akihiko and walked back to the kitchen. Akihiko stepped inside, closing and locking the door behind him. He saw the kettle out of the corner of his eye and raised an eyebrow. “Tea?”

“Don’t think that you’ll get any,” Haruki scowled. The glare that he gave Akihiko read, “I’m cursing you out in 10 different languages.”

Akihiko held both of his hands up. “I know, I know. Too tired for any, anyways.” He took a seat at the dining room table and rested his chin on one hand.

Haruki was about to snap at him again, but when he saw how worn out Akihiko looked, he sighed. He grabbed another mug and another tea bag. When the water started to boil, Haruki turned off the stove and poured the water into each of the mugs and carefully carried them to the dining room table. He set one of the mugs in front of Akihiko. “This is out of pity,” Haruki glowered. 

Akihiko chuckled. “Thanks.” He took a sip and let out a loud “OUCH!” He coughed and sputtered, “T-That’s hot.”

“Dumbass.” Haruki blew his tea before taking a small sip, shaking his head in displeasure. 

Akihiko tilted his head back and let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah. I am, aren’t I?”

“...Akihiko?” Haruki set his mug down, offset by how despondent Akihiko was acting and sounding. This wasn’t the confident, self-assured Akihiko that he knew - what happened after they parted ways at the park that made him like this?

Akihiko took another sip and let out a small hiss as his tongue was scalded yet again. He sighed, leaned back in the chair, and cupped the back of his head with his hands. Haruki couldn’t find a trace of the other man’s usual humor anywhere on his face.

“What the hell should I do?” 

The sudden question caught Haruki off guard. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, Akihiko continued.

“What am I doing this for? We’re both fucking insane if we think we can go on like this. Do I love him? Does he love me?”

Haruki guessed that Akihiko was talking about Murata Ugetsu, Akihiko’s on and off again boyfriend. Akihiko mentioned him to Haruki a few times before, and Haruki had a vague idea of the kind of person Ugetsu was: extremely musically gifted and intelligent. He knew about his and Akihiko’s rocky relationship, but it was a shock to hear Akihiko speak of him with such bitterness. Haruki took another cautious sip of his tea, thoughts churning. _The bruises and cuts...could they be from HIM?_

Haruki closed his eyes and let the thought dissipate. He shouldn’t be making assumptions about a guy he barely knew.

After a moment of silence, Akihiko let out a choked laugh. “Sorry, Haruki.” He leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table, avoiding Haruki’s gaze. His eyes were glassy. “Didn’t mean to unload all my shit on you.”

Haruki bit the bottom of his lip, unsure of how to comfort the other man. He didn’t want to say no substance bullshit like, “It’s going to be okay” or “Things will get better,” but he couldn’t stay silent, either. Before he realized what he was doing, he reached across the table to grab both of Akihiko’s hands. Akihiko was startled at the touch, but then relaxed. Haruki traced the palms of the other man’s hands with his thumbs and spoke:

“You don’t have to go through all of this alone, you know.” Haruki's voice was quiet but warm. He kept his eyes on the table as he continued. “I know how it feels to want to shoulder all of the pain, but you have to realize that you’re only one person. There’s only so much that you can take.”

Akihiko’s eyes widened. “Haruki…”

“I know that all of this probably means nothing to you.” Haruki shook his head and half-smiled at Akihiko. “But even if this goes in one ear and out the other, I hope you know that you have people to lean on. Me. The highschoolers. You’re not as alone as you think you are.”

Akihiko’s mouth was open. He was completely thrown off by Haruki’s sincerity. Haruki bit the inside of his cheek, uneased by Akihiko’s silence. He turned his head to check the clock. 3:38 a.m. 

“...well, I guess we should go to bed.” Haruki laughed nervously. He wasn’t sleepy anymore, but he couldn’t bear the uncomfortable tension between him and the other man. He was about to pull away when Akihiko leaned over the table and met his lips with Haruki’s.

“...!” Haruki’s eyes were as wide as saucers. His entire body froze, and for a moment, he couldn’t breathe. However, after a few seconds, his senses returned to him. He closed his eyes and let the sensation of the kiss take over.

It was a while before Akihiko pulled away. Both men were breathing heavily from adrenaline and shock. Akihiko couldn’t believe he kissed Haruki, and Haruki couldn’t believe that he let himself enjoy it. Both of their faces were extremely red and hot, Haruki’s more so than Akihiko’s, and the tension between them only grew.

Haruki forced out a giggle before pushing his chair back and standing up. “I- well, um- I’ll just- I-” He took a step backward and almost tripped over himself.

“...Haruki?” Akihiko said it slowly. He stood up and hesitantly took a few steps towards Haruki. 

Once again, Haruki was frozen in place. His mind was screaming at him to go back to bed and sleep, but his body wouldn’t cooperate. He watched Akihiko close the distance between them until their faces were inches apart. Haruki swallowed, his mouth and throat feeling dry and itchy. _So much for the tea_ , he thought.

“Can I…?” Akihiko held up a hand. Haruki was confused but then realized that Akihiko was reaching for his hair. “Uh...yeah…” For some reason, his voice dropped to a whisper.

Akihiko took another step forward and used one hand to grab Haruki’s golden strands and the other to grab Haruki’s chin. Akihiko pressed his lips to Haruki’s again, which Haruki was anticipating. Haruki let himself fully melt into the kiss and grabbed Akihiko’s shirt, pulling him closer.

_It’s almost 4:00 a.m. We shouldn’t be doing this. I should push him away._

Haruki’s body betrayed him yet again. He wrapped his arms around Akihiko’s neck and pressed their bodies together.

The rest of the night was fuzzy. Haruki vaguely remembered them going into his bedroom and continuing the make out sesh. Maybe they took off some of their clothes, and maybe they lost track of time.

Haruki knew that he was going to regret it by the next morning; he could already feel the cloud of shame over his head. However, right now, nothing mattered except for the sensation of Akihiko’s body on top of his.

***

Time doesn't always work the way you think it does. Haruki had this rude awakening when he woke up from his slumber and saw his lockscreen flashing “8:10 p.m.”

“What the hell?!” Any sign of sleep from his face was erased immediately. Haruki sat up and almost doubled over by how sore his body was.

He found that he was completely stripped from the waist up and instinctively covered his chest with his arms, cheeks growing a deep red. He stood up to look for his shirt and tried to recollect the events prior to him falling asleep. He spotted his shirt on the ground next to his closet and picked it up, confused as to why he took it off. Staring at the shirt for a while, he remembered how intimate he and Akihiko got before he fell asleep. For a second, he was stunned, and then-

“AHHHHH!” Haruki flung himself back onto his bed and drove his face into his pillow. The shame he knew he was going to feel the night before was now piling on him like a ton of bricks. How could he ever look at Akihiko the same way now?

**BUZZ. BUZZ.**

Haruki raised his head slightly, distracted from his freakout. That was a phone vibration, no doubt about it, but Haruki always put his phone on silent. He didn’t remember changing his settings, but then again, everything that happened last night was a blur to him. 

He grabbed his phone from the top of his dresser and checked to make sure that it was on silent. Sure enough it was. His eyebrows furrowed in deeper confusion and glanced around his room to find the source of the vibration. It seemed to be coming from the main rooms. 

Haruki stepped out of his bedroom and caught a flash coming from the couch from the corner of his eye. He walked over and saw that it was another phone - Akihiko’s, to be exact. 

_This idiot left and forgot to grab his phone?_ Haruki shook his head. He scanned the room to see if Akihiko had also left his suitcase, but that was nowhere to be seen. “He’s probably back at his place,” he muttered. “I guess I’ll drive over to give this back to him.” 

Haruki let out a yawn and rubbed his eyes, still drowsy from being knocked out for so long. He placed Akihiko’s phone on the dining room table and went back to his room, where he slipped his shirt back on and re-tied his hair. “How did I manage to sleep for-” he grabbed his phone to check the time “-16 hours? How tired was I?”

His stomach grumbled in response. “That’s right, I didn’t eat at all today…” Haruki sighed and checked himself in the mirror. Satisfied with his appearance, he walked to the kitchen to grab something to eat. He opened the fridge, grabbed an apple, and bit into it as he opened one of the drawers and grabbed his keys. He slipped Akihiko’s phone into one of his pockets as he walked out of his apartment, locking the door shut with a click. 

The sky was just beginning to turn dark, and few cars were on the road at this time. Haruki walked around to the back of his apartment where the parking lot was located and headed towards the far back of the lot. He approached his navy blue Nissan, unlocked it with a click, got in, and started it. His heart almost jumped out of his chest as the radio automatically turned on. “Why do I do this to myself?” he complained as he turned it off. Haruki ran a hand through his hair and calmed his nerves before pulling out of the parking lot.

Once on the road, Haruki was occupied with thoughts of his and Akihiko’s late night affair. The more he thought about the night before, the more he began to question Akihiko’s intentions. Did Akihiko like Haruki the same way Haruki liked him? He did initiate the kisses, after all. Plus, Akihiko kept flirtatiously coming onto the blonde. That had to mean something, right? People who were _friends_ didn’t go that far, right? Haruki had endlessly told himself that it could never work between them for over a year now, but...was a relationship too impossible?

After several minutes of driving and pondering, Haruki reached Akihiko’s place. The expansive grey building was hard to miss even in the dark. Pulling into the driveway, Haruki turned off his car and got out. He didn’t bother locking it since he wasn’t expecting to stay for long. 

He walked up to the door, and his heart rate doubled almost immediately. This was going to be incredibly awkward; how could it not be? Haruki took a few deep breaths, allowing himself to calm down a bit before knocking on the door. There was no answer, but the door gave way.

Haruki raised an eyebrow. Cautiously, he stepped inside and called out, “Akihiko?”

There was a noise coming from the end of the hall to his right. Haruki warily started down the hall. _It should be him, right?_

“Hey, Akihiko.” Haruki was at the end of the hallway and was turning the corner. “You left your phone at my place, and-”

What he saw made him freeze. Akihiko’s phone dropped to the ground with a thud as Haruki’s hand went slack. His eyes grew wide, and his jaw dropped.

Akihiko was kissing Ugetsu. Touching him. Undressing him. Both of them were pressed against each other, hands all over each other.

Haruki forgot how to breathe. It seemed that his heart forgot how to beat, too. His mind was screaming at him to turn around and leave before they noticed him, but he couldn’t. It felt like his feet were glued to the ground.

Ugetsu was the first to notice the blonde. He raised an eyebrow and muttered something to Akihiko. Akihiko eyebrows furrowed and turned his head to meet eyes with Haruki. His face paled instantly.

Haruki took a step back. His breaths started to return to him, but they were short and shallow. His heart rate picked up as well, but soon it was well above a normal rate. His stare lingered on Akihiko, who started towards him. He took another step back, shaking his head furiously.

“Haru-”

Haruki turned around and ran out of the house. He didn’t hear Akihiko’s footsteps or his pleads for him to stop. Haruki got into his car, fumbled with his keys, and stepped on the gas, narrowly avoiding a collision with a passing car as he backed out of the driveway. He didn’t catch Akihiko in his rearview mirror chasing after him for a few miles before stopping.

Haruki knew that it was extremely dangerous for him to be on the road with his vision blurred by his tears and his mind in a thousand different places. He didn’t know how he made it home without getting pulled over, knowing he blew through at least two red lights. 

Once he pulled into his apartment’s parking lot, he collapsed over the wheel and let himself sob in peace. It felt like someone had grabbed a sledgehammer and used it to smash his heart into a million pieces.

He continued to sob until the sun began to set, paying no attention to the passersby giving him perplexed looks. Only when he felt that he had drained himself of every tear in his body that he took several deep breaths and got out of the car. He might have locked it, he might have not, but at this point, he couldn’t care less.

He didn't remember entering his apartment and heading straight for his bedroom, and he most certainly couldn’t recall grabbing his phone and throwing it against one of the walls. What he did remember, however, was the unbearable ache in his chest that stayed with him for the rest of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If ch. 2 was fluff central, this is angst central ;-;
> 
> Things will get better, I promise! But...not now :')

“Shouldn’t love you but I couldn’t help it

Had a feeling that you never felt it

Always knew that you were too damn selfish

Don’t know why I looked the other way”

* * *

No matter how hard he tried to forget, Haruki couldn’t get the image of the two men pressed against each other out of his head. He had lost all feeling in his body, and the best way he could describe how he felt was empty. Empty of emotions, empty of thoughts.

What did he expect? He honestly didn’t know. Maybe he was foolish for thinking that Akihiko felt the same way he did. Maybe he was too desperate, trying to search for a love that was never there. After all, his love was unreciprocated, right? It shouldn’t affect him - he knew that a relationship could never happen between them.

So he hated it when he felt hot tears sting his eyes as he laid in bed that night. He hated seeing his phone light up again and again out of the corner of his eye, knowing that it was Akihiko. He hated that it would take him hours of tossing and turning in bed before he finally drifted off to sleep.

There was practice the next day, as usual. Haruki felt like a zombie the moment he woke up. Dark bags hung below his eyes, which made him look at least 5 years older. The moment he stepped into the studio, he almost tripped over the cable cords. Ritsuka and Mafuyu stared at him with confused and concerned looks, as Haruki was rarely so clumsy. Akihiko showed up a few minutes after Haruki, looking equally as lifeless.

Practice did not go well for the college students. Akihiko kept missing the beat, and Haruki kept messing up his chords. Halfway through the session, the high schoolers suggested a break, but Haruki and Akihiko refused. “I’ll get it right this time,” they would protest.

They couldn’t coordinate once during the entire session. Ritsuka wanted to scold the two older men, but he was unsettled with how quiet they were. Normally they would banter, but today they didn’t even so much as look at each other. Ritsuka couldn’t bear the awkward tension any longer, so when their session ended, he packed up as quickly as possible, Mafuyu doing the same. By the time they both looked up again, however, the college students were gone without leaving any of their belongings behind.

“What the…” The high schoolers exchanged baffled looks. Haruki and Akihiko didn’t even say goodbye to them. 

_At least it’s just us now, though_ , they both thought. _What the hell is up with those two?_

***

“Hey-”

“Fuck off.”

The moment that the band’s practice session ended, Haruki raced out of the studio. He had a feeling that Akihiko would follow him, but if he could just walk a little bit faster and avoid looking back-

Too late. Akihiko caught up, grabbed him by the wrist, and turned him around. Both of them were breathing heavily. Akihiko opened his mouth, but the only word that came out was, “I…”

Haruki let out a choked laugh. “I? That’s all you can say to me, Akihiko?” He shook his head and tried to turn away, but Akihiko tightened his grip on the blonde’s arm and pulled Haruki closer. He used his other hand to grab Haruki’s chin and twist his head to meet his gaze. 

“Haruki, listen to me.” Akihiko was still breathing heavily, but it wasn’t from the chase. He closed his eyes for a few seconds to gather his thoughts and then opened them, softening his gaze. With a shaky voice, he said, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, I know I fucked up and it’s all my fault and-”

Haruki’s expression put his apology on pause. His eyes were dull, and his lips were curled into a smirk. He blinked, and a couple of tears rolled down his cheeks. Akihiko took a step back, mouth agape, and loosened his grip on Haruki’s wrist and chin. 

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Haruki said it so softly that it was barely above a whisper. He shook his head and chuckled bitterly. “You’ll never understand.”

Akihiko instinctively took a step forward, which made Haruki take a step backward. “You think that a simple ‘sorry’ will make everything alright? How stupid do you think I am?”

“Haruki...” Akihiko was at a loss for words. 

“I can’t believe that I fell in love with such an idiot.” Haruki continued to shake his head while sobbing-laughing. “I can’t believe I let you fuck with my emotions so hard.”

“Haruki, that’s not-”

“Then what is it?” Haruki’s voice rose. His eyes were filled with rage. “What the fuck do you want? I’m just another one of your toys, aren’t I? That night meant nothing to you, right? You’re still in love with that violinist even though you both treat each other like shit, and how can I compete with someone who has complete control over your heart? Just…” Haruki let out a growl. “Just who do you think you are?”

“...” Akihiko felt numb all over. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do, to make the situation better.

“Good, don’t say anything. If you do, I might actually start to believe your goddamn lies.” Haruki took a deep breath and wiped his tears away. He hoped that Akihiko could see how red and puffy his eyes were. “You know, I knew that we couldn’t have anything more. I was more than okay with being a friend. But…” Haruki’s voice cracked, “did you have to be such an asshole and lead me on?” 

Haruki didn’t wait for a response. Taking another deep breath, he walked away and left Akihiko standing in place, crying.

_Fuck_ , Haruki thought, his eyes brimming with tears. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

***

It had been a week since their confrontation, which was also the last time that they spoke to each other. Since then, they continued to show up to the band’s practice sessions but avoided each other anytime they could help it. The highschoolers knew that something had happened between the university students, but since their practices were going well, they didn’t feel like it was necessary to stick their noses in their business.

Haruki refused to answer any knockings at his door since then, even when the knockings grew unbearably loud. It had taken everything in Haruki to not give in and forgive Akihiko, to embrace him and let him come in, but the bruises on his heart reminded him of why he couldn’t.

It was a Thursday morning when Haruki heard his phone buzz as he was getting dressed. He looked at the display name, and his heart instantly dropped. 

Akihiko.

He wanted to decline the call and get on with his day. He knew that he should’ve blocked Akihiko’s number the second he walked in and saw Akihiko and that violinist all over each other. However, despite his better judgement, he answered the call and held up his phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“Haruki,” Akihiko breathed out. It sounded as if he half-expected Haruki to not pick up. “I…”

“Again, with the I,” Haruki deadpanned.

A sigh on the other end. “Look, hear me out. 2 minutes is all I need.”

“...” Haruki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. After his exhale, he opened his eyes and muttered, “Go.”

“I miss you. God, I miss you so much. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t beaten myself up about screwing everything up between us. I wish you knew how sorry I am. Nakayama, I...please, forgive me. I can fix things, I promise.”

“...”

“Haruki, please.” Akihiko’s voice broke. 

“...how do you expect to fix this when you can’t even fix yourself?” Haruki walked out of his bedroom and into the dining room where he sat down in one of the chairs. “Or are you just spouting empty promises to make me feel sorry for you?”

“I...I can change. I promise, I’ll break up with Ugetsu, I’ll move out of our place, I’ll do anything - just please, please let me back in your life.”

Haruki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I wish I could believe you. But if you really care about me, you’ll realize how selfish you are and stay away.”

“Ha-” 

“We’re bandmates. Let’s stay that way.”

Haruki ended the call and pressed his knees to his chest. Wasn’t this supposed to make him feel better? Why did it make him feel even worse? If only there was some way to release the excruciating pain in his chest.

_It’ll get easier_ , he told himself. _Even if it hurts like a motherfucker now_.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally at the end, woohoo!
> 
> I was contemplating whether or not I should extend this fic, but I think it's good the way it is right now. Unless you guys want more...? ;)
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this! This has been such a joy for me to write :')

“I wanted you to change

Shouldn’t love you but I couldn’t help it

Always knew that you were too damn selfish”

* * *

3 months later, Given was playing for one of the most well known bands in Japan, Polkadot Stingray, as the opening act for their tour. Each of the band members were extremely nervous as they stood behind the curtains of the Tokyo Dome stage, counting down the seconds to their performance. Ritsuka and Mafuyu were having a private chat a little bit away from Haruki and Akihiko, who were sitting at a table across from each other and scrolling through their phones.

A stage crew member came up to them and announced that they would be going on in 5 minutes after the stadium played an introductory video of the main act. Haruki felt his mouth go dry and tried to calm his nerves by closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. He knew that everyone was feeling the pressure, and as the oldest of the bunch, he felt the need to ease everybody’s minds even if just a little bit. He stood up and faced the band, clearing his throat loudly. Ritsuka and Mafuyu turned around, and Akihiko looked up. 

“Alright.” Haruki took another deep breath. “I know that this is incredibly nerve-wracking, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t really fucking nervous. However, this is no time to be second-guessing ourselves. We’ve worked damn hard to get here, and we won’t let anybody, especially ourselves, tell us any different. So, let’s give the audience what they want - a show.”

Haruki eyes flitted nervously to each member, gauging their reactions. Each of them slowly smiled and nodded. “He’s right, guys.” Akihiko stood up with a hand on his hip. “Let’s show them what we’ve got.” 

Haruki glanced at Akihiko with his mouth slightly opened. Akihiko turned his head to Haruki, and his eyes softened. In the past 2 months, they built up a small friendship again. It was unbearably awkward at first, but they eventually got to a place where they started talking regularly again. It was a start, at least.

Akihiko gave Haruki a small smile, which Haruki returned. The stage crew member from before ushered them to their places. Haruki glanced at each of his members. Mafuyu was clearing his throat, Akihiko was fiddling with his drumsticks, and Ritsuka was quadruple-checking his guitar strings. The atmosphere was still tense, but their determined faces made Haruki relax. “Alright,” he whispered to himself. “Let’s do this.”

The curtains opened, and Ritsuka started off with a guitar riff. Akihiko hit his cymbal a couple of times before Mafuyu started to sing with Haruki strumming along. They were performing a new song called, “As Long As There’s You.”

The lyrics were even more emotional than “Fuyu no Hanashi,” if you could believe it. When Haruki listened to the demo that Mafuyu sent to the group chat, it felt like someone had taken all of his feelings and dumped them into one song. He was so moved by it that he hadn’t even realized how blurry his vision had become and how wet his face was when he first listened to it.

It was time for the chorus. Haruki closed his eyes and let himself be carried away by Mafuyu’s voice:

_“I know that you’re not perfect, but neither am I_

_We can’t ever figure out who’s wrong or right_

_But even with all of the bitterness_

_I can’t ever give you up_

_Can we just let the past stay in the past_

_No matter what we can’t ever go back_

_But as long as I have you_

_Everything will be okay”_

When the second chorus finished, Akihiko played a drum solo. Haruki improvised some chords, which earned him an eyebrow raise from Ritsuka as well as screams from the crowd. Haruki grinned at him as if to say, “Join me,” which is exactly what Ritsuka did. They complemented each other perfectly, while Akihiko continued to pound the drums and Mafuyu went on to belt out notes the members didn’t think he was capable of doing.

With one last strum from Mafuyu, the song ended. Haruki’s ears were ringing from the overwhelming applause from the audience. All of the members were breathing heavily, having put their entire heart and soul into the performance. Their eyes shone brighter than the stage lights, and giant grins were plastered onto each of their faces. 

“Thank you!” Haruki managed to get out, “That was our new song, ‘As Long As I Have You’ written by our vocalist and guitarist, Sato Mafuyu! Our other guitarist to Mafuyu’s right is Uenoyama Ritsuka, Kaji Akihiko is our drummer, and I, Nakayama Haruki, am our bassist. Thank you for having us, and enjoy the rest of the show!”

The members waved the audience goodbye as the curtains started to draw. When the stadium completely disappeared from view, the members sighed. They all shared a single thought: “We need to build our stamina.”

Haruki straightened himself and gave each of the members a blinding smile. “That was awesome, guys!”

“Hell yeah!” Ritsuka pumped his fist into the air. “That was exhilarating!”

“I’m surprised that you have the brain capacity to know that word, kid,” Akihiko commented. Ritsuka glared at him while Mafuyu lightly chuckled.

“Alright, let's head out first and then we can talk.” Haruki started heading to the exit with Ritsuka, Mafuyu, and Akihiko following him. They made their way to the lobby of the venue and entered one of the rooms which had their cases. Haruki, Ritsuka, and Mafuyu slipped off their straps and zipped up their guitars while Akihiko simply put his drumsticks in his backpack. Despite how tired they all felt, they still chatted excitedly about their performance, wistfully remembering some of the mistakes they made but mostly celebrating how well they sounded together.

“Sato, you sounded amazing,” Ritsuka gushed, planting a kiss on Mafuyu’s forehead.

“Ugh, get a room you two.” Haruki made a grossed out face. Ritsuka stuck out his tongue at Haruki, which made Haruki laugh. “Seriously though, Mafuyu, how did you come up with those lyrics?”

“My inspiration, you mean?” Haruki nodded. Mafuyu looked up to the ceiling, taking some time to think before saying, “This wasn’t about me personally, if that’s what you were thinking.”

“Oh?” Haruki was surprised. Mafuyu had always drawn inspiration from his own experiences for his songs, so to hear him say that he didn’t this time was unexpected. “What - or who - was the inspiration, then?”

Mafuyu smiled gently. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Observations of people. That’s all.”

“Cryptic,” Akihiko murmured. Haruki nodded and glanced at Ritsuka to gauge his reaction. Ritsuka had his arm around Mafuyu’s shoulders with the same playful look. Haruki furrowed his eyebrows, not knowing if he should be suspicious or not.

Deciding not to think too much into it, Haruki pulled out his phone and checked the time. 8:47 p.m. He heard his stomach grumble and remembered that the last time that he ate was this morning. “Hey, anybody up for some food?”

“Always.” Ritsuka stood up, stretched, and yawned. “I’ll pay this time.”

“Not a chance. I’ll pay,” Akihiko said, standing up as well. “I know you’re broke.”

Ritsuka snorted. “Says the college kid with student loans.”

“Uenoyama-kun, don’t you only have a yen coin in your pocket?”

“Mafuyu!” Ritsuka whined. “Don’t say that!”

Haruki shook his head. “You guys are all idiots. Akihiko, you paid last time so this time it’ll be on me.”

“But-”

“Zip.” Haruki raised an eyebrow at Akihiko, which silenced the drummer.

“Such a reliable senior,” Ritsuka murmured. Haruki elbowed him in the ribs. “OW! You heard that?” Ritsuka pouted. 

“Does that hurt, Uenoyama-kun?” Mafuyu placed his hands on either side of Ritsuka’s waist, which instantly turned Uenoyama’s face bright red. “M-M-Mafuyu!” he exclaimed.

“Oh my god.” Haruki facepalmed. “Let’s get out of here, you morons.”

Ritsuka and Mafuyu stood up and walked out first, Haruki and Akihiko following behind. They thanked the venue workers before exiting through the front doors. They were hit with a cool summer breeze that was very much needed after working up a sweat. 

A few steps ahead of Haruki and Akihiko, Ritsuka and Mafuyu were discussing what restaurant to eat at. Haruki was a little annoyed that they didn’t consider asking for his and Akihiko’s opinions, but he let it go. He was more concerned with feeding his growling stomach than what he was going to put into it.

After a few minutes of shared silence between Haruki and Akihiko, Akihiko spoke. “Hey, Haruki.”

Haruki turned his head to Akihiko, who was looking straight ahead. His expression was neutral, but there was an uneasiness in his eyes that Haruki noticed straight away. “Hm?” he inquired, feeling a bit uneasy himself.

“...God, I’m literally the worst speaker.”

Haruki snorted. “You haven’t noticed?” He couldn’t blame Akihiko, though. Things were still awkward between them.

“Alright, fuck it.” Akihiko closed his eyes and let out a long exhale. “Mafuyu’s lyrics really got to me.”

Haruki’s heart stopped for a moment. He looked at Akihiko with his lips slightly parted.

“I know I’m fucked up, and I also know that I haven’t done enough to fix myself. To be honest, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to reach out for help, and I’m too embarrassed to. Everybody sees me as this strong-willed guy, but that’s a facade. I’m pretty fucking weak,” Akihiko finished with light chuckle. He sighed and rubbed the nape of his neck. “Too weak to admit that I’m trying to change myself for you.”

Haruki’s feet stopped moving, his heart stopped beating, and his jaw went slack. When Akihiko realized that Haruki wasn’t by his side anymore, he turned around. He took a few steps towards Haruki cautiously, unsure of what the blonde was doing. “Haruki...?”

“...” All Haruki could do was blink at Akihiko, who was beginning to regret saying anything at all. 

Akihiko walked closer so that they were only a few inches apart. Akihiko met Haruki’s eyes with a gaze gentler than any Haruki had ever seen from him before. What did Haruki want to do at this moment? What would be the best for him AND Akihiko?

Haruki bit his lip and grabbed the taller man by his shoulders, which caught Akihiko off guard. Not breaking eye contact, Haruki declared, “I’m not letting myself fall in love with you again. At least, not yet.”

Akihiko sagged at the first sentence but then perked up at the second. “Not yet? That means…”

Haruki closed his eyes for a few seconds and then opened them. The light from the street lamps made his amber colored eyes appear to be almost as golden as his hair, and the effect sent a shiver down Akihiko’s spine.

“Akihiko.” Haruki said it slowly. “I still admire you. However, if you want us to try and start a new...relationship...I need to see you grow. Change. I won’t let my heart get broken again,” he ended fiercely. 

Akihiko’s lips were parted slightly in shock. He allowed the words to sink in for a moment before instinctively wrapping his arms around Haruki and pulling the shorter man to him. 

“Wha-” Haruki tried to push away but with no luck. His face was starting to feel hot, and he hated that Akihiko probably could tell. “A-Akihiko!”

“I missed you,” Akihiko murmured, brushing his cheek against Haruki’s head. He held Haruki even tighter.

Haruki sighed and stopped fighting the hug. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around Akihiko, who happily sighed. Haruki’s lips curled up in a faint smile. “Ritsuka and Mafuyu are going to wonder where we are.”

“They’ll be okay. We’ll meet up with them after.”

“After?” Haruki scoffed. “Just how long are you planning to keep me trapped here?”

“Just a bit longer.” Akihiko pressed his lips to Haruki’s forehead, then stiffened. “Was-Was that okay?”

Haruki hesitated. If Akihiko had done that a month ago, he would have been furious and pushed the other man away. However, now he lightly hit Akihiko’s back. “Idiot. Didn’t I say that I needed to see you change first?”

“It was a mistake,” Akihiko replied. Haruki rolled his eyes, imagining the smug look on the other man’s face. They stood there for more than “just a bit longer,” but if Haruki was being honest, he didn’t mind. He let himself sink into Akihiko, closed his eyes and breathed in Akihiko’s faint but detectable scent. Vanilla.

Was Haruki being selfish by having Akihiko wait until Haruki was ready to let him back into his heart? Was Akihiko being selfish by indirectly admitting to Haruki that he was in love with him so soon? Maybe, but maybe that was alright. 

Being selfish wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, and at the very least, their story didn’t have to end here.


End file.
